Tuesday, July 26, 2005
This blog is a specially dedicated to my dearest Xiao Nan Ren - Winston
Winston read my blog..saw me online, especially msn me to ask me not to be sad..
The following was what he msn me on:
[True Simplicity]"Hey, dun be (-_-,) lehz.."[then blah blah blah; skip to important part..]
[True Simplicity]"anything can find me also..""Haha (^_^)""though I not always talk to you nowadays""but we still good friends ok !!!!"It was really sweet of him to say so..Had really missed his company since after my wedding..Everyone's so busy, including him..He was my best friend cum xiao nan ren no. 2..(yesh..I have another xiao nan ren, no. 1 - Shuxiang) He knws most of my secrets, together with Shuxiang..I dunno what made me tell them and made me feel close to them..maybe this is called 'affinity'...
Winston n I are in different classes, hv different schedules, thus seldom meet up..plus I always got relapses, so seldom see him..As for Shuxiang, I'll only see him when I dun hv relapses (cos that's when I get to go to sch..) He has his other company of friends now..Not as close le..but that kind of close feeling rekindles whenever we chat...
Actually, Winston is not the only sweet one..Another friend, Caiying, is also one that treasures friendship greatly..She's the only other girl whom I can open up to talk to..I feel comfortable talking to her..She makes me feel just like being with Winston n Shuxiang..In addition, though she doesn't say much to me, there's always this feeling that she's there for me when I need her...
Though I'm sad that my best friend had 'almost forgotten' me (she didn't attend my wedding + she forgot abt my last birthday..when I always remembered hers..) I'm glad that I've still got some friends ard me who really cares and remembers me...They knw me n remember me for who I am and not who I am friends with.
To cut everything short,
Winston and Caiying, I knw that you two truly care...thank you for this friendship..I'll treasure it just like how I will treasure my laogong...
Thank you for everything..Thank you for being there for me..
To Winston: Thank you, Xiao Nan Ren! for being so sweet to me even though it's been a long time since we last spoke..Missed you lots..
Going to slp now..Nitez everyone.. :D
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |2:17 AM|
Monday, July 25, 2005
I feel that I'm a loser..a very bad n useless girl..
I just read a best friend's blog (best friend = I feel that she's my best friend..)
I read that she attended a friend's bday party @ SengKang...
After reading..I was wondering...which is a bigger issue? Birthday or wedding??
She did not attend my wedding..not the solemnization ceremony nor the bbq that nite...
She told me it was too far for her...isn't Sengkang far as well?? She said so in her blog.."why u live so far, girl?" something like that..
She's suppose to be my best friend...My big day...she wasn't there...no greetings nor congrats frm her..not on that day nor till now...
Am I a failure or what??
It hurts...it really hurts..
I had really considered @ tat time that the place was really too far for her n that she needs to work the next day..But now..I'm wondering...Am I so insignificant to her...to all my friends??
Is it becos I'm married, thus everyone feels that they cant click with me anymore?? Is it becos they feel that a married person cant have friends??
I still have a life..I still can have friends..My laogong does not restrict such things...
BUT...
A best friend..known for 9 years,..best friends for 6 years...
I'm disappointed n hurt...
I'm not being persistent..not being annoying..not being unable to put down the past...does anyone out there knw exactly how it feels?? Your best friend, not @ ur wedding..not a word of congrats or anything...Even my once (why once? it's due to some lost contact between the yrs) best friend - Pamela...who wasn't able to attend my wedding due to work, had made a call especially to me,..she calculated the timing and called me right after my solemnization ended...
No words can describe the thrudding pain in my heart now..
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |6:25 PM|
Kena food poisoning..hiaz..caused me to be unable to attend sch today..wanted to go sch badly cos lecturers are giving tips to exams..but..hiaz..
Last nite met Ah Cai n Ah Keong for dinner...(tat's how i kena my food-poisoning - dinner)
Ah Keong was telling me abt this wonderful island that has a beautiful beach..as pretty n sceneric as Kulua Trengganu...The island is known as Pangkor..Ah Keong's uncle owns a resort that, thus he has a free a/c there, leading to...me n laogong..going there, we do not hv to pay much - free accommodation, free meals and free sightseeing + scuba diving..I'm feeling so excited..so does Ah Keong..He spoke of those places wif very much excitement n happiness..telling me where are the places he wld bring us go, what we're gonna do @ those places..whatever request I made, he all agreed..
Heehee :)
Can't wait to go there..
Ah Keong seems so happy to see us..he even said that he misses laogong so much tat he cant slp well the past wk..haha..but we feel otherwise...Ah Keong really poor thing..all alone in a foreign place (though same country) but his family is "so near yet so far"..then his only good friend has come to SG to find work...leaving Ah Keong all alone in JB..poor thing..No wonder he feels so happy though he's troubled, when he saw us..
Having someone to eat dinner wif n chat wif is really very heart warming..especially for Ah Keong I guess...Being afraid of loneliness..I wouldn't be able to stand such life..Anyway,..our plans for yr end:
Most probably going for a week long holidays during the Christmas season..will be going to KL, Pangkor and maybe Genting..Heehee..finally found someone who is into exciting rollar coaster rides..Laogong can't stand the rides as he has heart probs...
Laogong feels that 'he' has feelings for me, this assumption is based on the kindness that he bestows to me everytime we meet 'him'..Haha..Laogong a bit jealous...just tat he doesn't really admits it..
My stomach still in pain..on n off..wondering when will all these pains stop..
But everyone, including Laogong knws that this stupid stomach n gastric prob of mine...will never end..unless I die (which will not be happening until I grow old...I cant bear to leave laogong here, in this miserable world, all alone..) Becos of Laogong, I shall tolerate n try my best to abstain frm my food allergies n take good care of myself, so as to live longer..
Exams coming - starting next fri, to be exact...plus projs due this thur n fri - 2 on thurs and 1 on fri..Hiaz...my classmates are worst off..they hv a proj due tml, thurs n fri..suming up to 5 projs..
Everyone is very very busy for these few wks..
Got to start my revision by this weekend..after all my proj submissions..
Gonna go do my projs now, friends..dun think I'll hv any time blogging for the next few days..will try to update my blog when possible.. Take care everyone..and stay HAPPY! :)
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |5:41 PM|
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Yeah!! Just went shopping @ IMM wif mummy, bro, PJ n Laogong...wondering what I bought? Haha..you won't believe it...lots of food!!!
We went to Giant to shop for groceries..my fav place to shop is supermarkets/hypermarkets..
Was walking halfway when I had a relapse..hiaz..but luckily not very serious..stll could tolerate..but I think the air conditioning there was too cold,..my toe cramped...the pain spread to my calf and ankle..couldn't walk..my toe couldn't even move...after abt 10 mins, then it subsided..but the pain still there...for almost half an hour there, I walked like a cripple..limping throughout the remaining of the shopping trip..
Laogong was so tender to me...He was very anxious when I started to have the cramp...Looking back, his actions and reactions were really sweet to me..
Gonna do my proj now..shall blog later..or maybe tml, when I get back frm JB.. (^_^)v
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |12:05 AM|
Friday, July 22, 2005
Had pain for the whole afternoon...had even puke during one of my tuition classes..Hiaz..
At last, feeling a bit better..but got the urge to puke anytime..Stupid pain n puking prob coming back..Must be something wrong with my gastric again..even taking medication also no use..abt time to 'visit' my dearest doc..
Just came back frm nite mkt - pasar malam..Laogong n PJ accompanied me to go for a walk..Bought a few stickers for my students..actually more for one of my students in particular (why? cos I like her very much and she has similar feeling towards me!)
After the walk, went over to our old neighbour's place to borrow a CD frm the uncle..Laogong's gonna reformat his lappy for PJ...For the time being, he doesn't need a lappy..but when he needs it, he might just buy a new one, since his new job would allow him to do so..
Laogong has promised me a holiday @ the end of the yr, to relax, escape frm the busy world in sg and to do shopping! I'm not the kind of girl who loves shopping or must go shopping..But occasional shopping, with laogong especially, would be a pleasant one!
Now here bloggin while Laogong, PJ n bro watch Inuyasha on Anime Central..
Laogong's sick, down with a flu...His mousey is sick too..down with her stupid relapses...hiaz..
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |11:08 PM|
Had serious stomachache in the wee hours this morning..Couldn't sleep..
When I finally fall back to sleep, I overslept..didn't even get to hear the alarm clock ring..
Still having pain..the pain now has changed from sharp, thrudding pain to sharp pulling pain..
Hiaz..
I'm feeling very guilty for not attending classes..But I'm really not skipping classes on purpose..
But the pains are really unbearable.. :(
Laogong 'sayang' me to sleep last nite..Had a bad night's sleep..Hiaz..long story..anyway..
bad night's sleep + falling off bed many times + stomach pains = not much sleep..
Hiaz..
I remembered that I used to tell ppl (my friends or friends' friends) not to sigh, must be happy, if not will age very fast...But now..I'm the one always sighing away..
Fishy is no longer cheerful and happy..Mousey is happy with her husband..Her husband is her source of happiness...
Fishy is not mousey..mousey is not fishy..But actually they're the same person.. :(
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |1:47 PM|
I had my FnY ICA today,..forgotten a lot of details..wld be a surprise if I wld pass..
anyway...
Caiying smsed me, told me that my team got grade A for our Applied Market Research Project I. I felt nothing! Really! It's not tat I'm proud or too confident in our team..In fact, during our presentation, the tutor had pointed out a wrong point in our presentation. I had not, HAD NOT..expected my team to achieve such a good grade.. The news, took me by surprise, but I felt nothing..Something is really wrong with me..The usual me, would be so elated to hear such news...!
Update: So far, I have not failed any of my tests (all those that I knw of), though I had not studied really hard for them..Pure luck I guess..Hiaz..
Laogong is playing his soccer game now..he seems so indifferent towards my blog..Yes, he read my previous entry, but shows nothing..I expected him to say something abt it-which he always does..but this time, nothing..nothing was said..Is he getting tired of me?? Or he just cant be bothered with me? He doesn't even realize that I'm trying hard to stay cheerful for him..Hiaz...Guys, sometimes, can be just so insensitive n unobservant..But that's what my laogong is...And I still love him, the way he is...love him for being himself, just like this..
Crazy little mousey..plainly love crazy..
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |1:11 AM|
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Something is wrong..I dunno wat..
I am wrong...I dunno wat I did wrong..
I am lost..I dunno when I lost myself..
Could I hv lost myself during my eagerness to earn more money?
Could I hv lost myself during my growing up stage?
Could it be that there was never myself, only others, only a fake front?
When hv I lost myself?? I wan myself back..
I'm feeling terrible, no one knws...no one will understand..
I'm immersed in happiness, love and care frm my darling laogong..
It's not his fault..he did nothing wrong..the prob doesn't lies with him..
It's ME..I'm the problematic one..I feel helpless..useless..I'm nothing!
Is it becos of my inability to put down the past? During my growing stages, I have been told n critized numerous of time, by my dear mother, the one I was closest to before my husband, that I am useless, ugly and stupid. My sister is always the pretty, clever and hard working one..Even now wif my bro,..he's clever...But never me..I'm always the stupid one..
I dunno wat's wrong..Though I'm taking Family n Youth as my elective, I cant seem to apply those concepts and methods of analyzing emotional problems to myself..that is if there is myself..
Maybe those of you out there, strangers or even my own friends, may not understand wat I'm talking abt now..But these are all the things that I feel deep down, right inside my heart now.
A piece is missing frm my heart..My life is almost completed..with a doting and loving husband + my family n friends (I wonder how many true friends do I still hv? Maybe not much..or maybe..none...)
I'm feeling empty..unable to focus..no one realize that..not even laogong..Maybe it's the fake front that's blinding everyone from my true self..
I'm no longer myself..I'm no longer fishy..
But luckily, I'm still laogong's favourite - little mousey, or am I??
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |1:27 PM|
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Hiaz..I've got an ICA in another 15 hours time and I haven gotten half of the details into my head!!
Great!?! Can prepare to fail the test..hiaz..
Anyway, a gd news to share:
Laogong's gotten the new job, new co. very excited and happy that he's joining them..On the other hand, old co. see laogong go, but they offered him to be their consultant (part-time). The latter issue, is yet to be confirm, but so far, tat's wat they proposed.
This new blog, changed its template, wif laogong being the one who chose the new template..
Though the template is for couples to blog, in my case, I'll be the one who wld be bloggin most of the time..Laogong aint a blogger..
Hiaz..tired..gonna go to bed..Not much to blog today..Very tired frm tuition classes and pain frm my relapses..hiaz..feeling gloomy..
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |11:57 PM|
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
My previous blogs are "lost"..as in the server that my blog was being hosted in, is having probs, so..here i am..
Though I dun really like the domain name - 'blogspot.com', as it is not as unique as mine - unix.sg
A lot of things are happening ard me..listing them:
1. Mum n Dad havin' cold war (ya..their war is affecting everyone in the family..mum getting grouchier each day)
2. Laogong have been offered a new job - $2.5 K job..wif a few other benefits
His current co. counter offered him $2.5 K too..making laogong at a loss of which co. to choose.
3. Celebrated our (laogong n I) friend - Ah Keong's bday during the weekend..had late dinner n some drinks @ Brewerkz. Also brought Keong ard Boat Quay, realized that a lot of pubs had closed down..Wow..wonder what other developments the Gov is planning to do @ Boat Quay.
4. Exams and proj datelines are coming..Projs due one week b4 exams, exams lasting 2 wks..Hiaz..
Laogong n I..think we're heading another level in our marriage,..laogong seems to be more caring n understanding towards my unreasonable ways..in other words, Laogong are spoiling me wif his love n attention towards me..I'm worried that this might become a habit, and I would expect him to be always and forever like that - which i knw, he wldn't be able to, especially if work pressure n stress occurs..BUT, nevertheless, I love him deeply,..and I knw, he has similar or even more feelings towards me too.. :)
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FishyLittleMousey winks
at |9:01 PM|
